(Maybe (probably)) My last try at graduating

The problem

I studied Earth Sciences as undergraduate. I completed all my classes two years ago and now I'm at that point where "only" two things are left: my thesis dissertation and the final oral exam (well, my apprenticeship too, but I'll cross that river when I get there).

To be honest, I haven't worked too much on studying for the exam, I had several false-starts when I thought to myself "This is it! This time we are finally studying for the exam" only to fall short a week after.

Now, my thesis? I've been STRUGGLING for the last two years. I already have my research proposal approved and had done some field work, but other than that, I have little more than my original research proposal. I've tried, I really have. But it's like nothing works anymore. My brain doesn't work anymore0. You know those gasoline generators? I feel like I've been pulling the starter cord over and over again for the last two years but it just won't start.

What has worked and what hasn't

I've tried pomodoros, time blocking, time tracking, accountability, betting money on my ability to write, breaking down tasks in smaller tasks, setting daily writing goals, "eating the frog first", finding my optimal time for focused work, gamifying the process, lowering the stakes, writing the outline for everything, writing ugly drafts, soft deadlines, hard deadlines, positively reframing the task, asking help from my thesis supervisor (I stopped asking after she made it clear in our last meeting how disappointed she was at my lack of progress), and who knows what more that I can't remember now. Last year I started a thread on Bluesky where I logged the time I worked on my thesis each day. It worked (kinda) until it didn't. I had evidence of all the time I have put towards my thesis, but nothing to show for it.

It doesn't help that often people I meet ask me "when are you graduating?" each time they see me0. This is a recurrent topic I discuss with my therapist every month.

I'm tired...

But I don't want to give up (yet, who knows if this keeps up). Just to be clear, this is not an optimistic, full of energy and hope, girl-who-is-going-to-be-okay ✨I don't want to give up✨ This is an exhausted, dragging myself on the floor with the last of my energy, sighing ⁱ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵍⁱᵛᵉ ᵘᵖ. Because the prospect of giving up doesn't look any different from what I'm currently feeling. It's still dire and awful, just in a different package.

What did I get myself into?

Last night, while trying to fall asleep asking myself for the nth-time What did I get myself into? I thought of something.

I feel like my biggest hurdle right now is in output. I put the time in reading, learning, processing the data, I have the idea and I know what I want to say, but when it comes to "make something" like writing a paragraph to SHOW that I'm doing something, I hit a wall. I write, I delete, I write, I re-write, and I delete. I'm stuck.

My thesis also includes doing a 3D model. I create the base model, I add first details, add subdivisions for more details, I retopologize, I add more details and start texturing, I hit details that I don't know how to make, I try many times and fail every time, I decide to start over. I'm stuck.

My thesis also includes showing said model in augmented reality. I learn how to do AR in a game engine, it's a bit difficult without a coding background but I'm starting to make it work, I've read books, I've done online courses. Said game engine goes nuts with their policies and even though they backtrack later, I don't think it's safe to put my proverbial eggs in that basket. I switch to a different platform build for AR from a known company which makes it way easier to build and also it's web AR, so I don't need to make an app. I start learning to use it, I follow all their tutorials and try it. They shutdown last year. I need to find another way to make web AR but I'm wary that history will repeat itself so I'm putting that off. I'm stuck. And tired. What did I get myself into indeed.

The idea

The closest I've been to being "productive" was that thread on Bluesky. But now I'm thinking that maybe my mistake was to focus solely on time spent. Maybe my focus should have been on output. Having something to show up for the day. I've tried journaling about my thesis before (one more thing to the list of things that didn't work), but perhaps mixing both, the "social" aspect of posting where anyone can see, plus the weight(?) to show that I did something publicly may help finally kickstart my brain and my two braincells left.

I'm not a fan of saying things in public, I'm an introvert. In every site I can, I put my profile on private. But hey...

If you want something you never had, you have to do things you have never done.

Or something like that...

And I really want to be done with this. And I'm desperate. So I'm giving it a go.

At first I thought of writing short posts about the concepts I'm working with so I can get my theoretical framework done. But then I thought that maybe I could get in trouble if I end up putting that on my thesis and later get accused of plagiarism or something (I don't want to take any chances). So I guess I'll just update on what I did during the day. Similar for the model, but I may post if I have some new idea on how to finally finish it. With the AR and exam topics it may be easier. I may document how I'm learning/studying for both.

Will this work? Or will it be like so many "fireworks0" I've had in my life? We'll see.

A bit about me

For context. And until I figure out if/how to change the profile description to make it more suitable for what I want to write here.

I actually like my major. When I can engage in it without connections to my current situation, I have fun. On the few times when I had the chance to explain it to people who don't know about it, I love it.

If I had to describe my experience in university it would be "It feels like someone is holding my head underwater through the whole duration of my time there. Summer and winter breaks (when I had those) felt like having a break to breathe for 20 seconds. When people tell me 'you are almost there!' it's like the person holding my head saying in a mocking tone 'only five more minutes!'". Which brings me to:

The formal duration of my degree program is 6 years. It has taken me more than double to get to this point. I only took time off for one year during the pandemic. I'm tired.

English is not my first language. I learned it through movies, Korean tv shows' English subtitles and fanfiction. My common offenses include, but are not limited to, mixing past and present tenses, lack of subject-verb agreement, made-up phrasal verbs, and not knowing when to use in/on/at (I just choose one and hope for the best).

Currently I'm being tested for neurodivergence. This was NOT on my bingo card (like, ever) until my therapist mentioned it as a possibility a few months ago. At the moment, the suspicions are autism, ADHD (inattentive), and high capacities000.

I first thought of leaving this as a draft. But, fuck it. We die like the Saja Boys.